Having a hard time lately shaking off this feeling of impending doom. It's like when Charlotte in the Sex and the City movie won't go on her usual runs in the park after she finds out she's pregnant because she's scared. “No one gets everything she wants,” she says. That's what I feel like these days. OK, this week.
Of course this has to do with the upcoming CT scan. It's been 6 months since the last one; that's the longest I've gone. The rational side of me says, that's great. The further out from diagnosis I am with no visible trace of disease, the better. The irrational crazy side of me wonders why am I so lucky? Those teeny tiny cancer cells have come back and are multiplying, we just haven't been able to see them yet.
I've been too cavalier with my health lately. I've let the pounds pile back on. I'm inconsistent with my workouts. I enjoy my martinis too much. I'm mean to people who piss me off. And I'm worried I'll be punished for all of it.
Yes, it's stupid and irrational. But that's the way I'm feeling.
Try not to worry, things will be fine. The strength you showed during and since your ordeal and the way you take day-to-day life by the bullocks is an inspiration to so many of us. It's okay to become lax, it's part of life and part of being human. Thinking of you always. Beth
ReplyDeleteLots going on here Cheryl. Try not to be so hard on yourself; stress is worse than a few martinis and a skipped workout. I'm also hearing some survivor's guilt in there. Every cancer has a survival rate and you are one of the lucky ones. Never feel bad about that. Good luck with the scan. I look forward to hearing the "all clear!"
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